Confessions of a Single Mom- Staying Put

I have been separated now for 3 months.

I am frequently asked why I continue to attend the same church as my ex. This is not a easy answer but I will try to simplify it here.

In short, I attend for my kids.

My kids have experienced more loss in their young lives than they should. After my first husband divorced for the second time, my kids never saw nor spoke to their step brothers again. I watched them try to understand, grieve and deal with their emotions through that and it was so difficult. My oldest son remembers me and his father married and together. My oldest 2 sons remember me trying to make it work with my youngest son's father. All 3 remember being a family of seven until just 3 months ago.

I want them to form healthy attachments in their lives. I want them to believe when someone tells them that they love them- they really do.

I see their faces light up on Sunday mornings when they see their (ex) step-siblings and how they throw their arms around the man they still consider to be their step-dad. Though it is heart-wrenching to me- this is one of the biggest reasons why we still attend.

When we left "my" church, we left on good terms, but it's not as simple as just "going back". We visit and are greeted with open arms and "Welcome backs", but we said goodbye and put down roots in a new community. When we decided as a family to attend this church it ceased to be "HIS" church and became "OUR" church.

If you are not a believer you won't understand what I am about to say, but I have felt God speak to me clearly and through other members of this church. I am excited about things they are doing in the community for others and how they reach out lovingly to the world around us.

When my ex split with his 2 previous wives, they left this church. But that was their decision to make. I am quite sure that people are wondering "Why doesn't she just leave already?", and I understand that, because it would make life easier.

But I do not want to teach my children that we should take the easier road. I want to teach them that it is okay to be uncomfortable. It is ok to hurt. I want them to see that they can find strength in healing and as long as I see their faces continue to light up on Sunday mornings, we'll stay right where we are.

Blessings.

New to Me Ankle-Length Tweed Coat

Friends, I am currently OBSESSED with anything long- coatigans, extra long kimonos, etc...

I have been on the hunt for a thrifted, long, fall-ish jacket to wear. Because I enjoy wearing these long toppers- jackets to wear over them are tough to find.

UNTIL I walked in a Salvation Army Thrift Shop last night!

The thrifting angels were guiding me to this ankle-length tweed coat and I feel in love IMMEDIATELY.

And guys...it cost me $14.99!

I also picked up a charcoal grey felt hat for $3.99. It was possibly a little too similar to the lighter grey felt hat that I bought a couple of weeks ago for $.99 (!!!), but I just couldn't leave it behind.

Here is my $14.99 coat:

And my $3.99 Charcoal Grey Felt Hat:

Not to be confused with my $.99 LIGHT Grey Felt Hat:

So there you have it- a couple of trips to the Salvation Army and under $20 got me a coat and 2 hats. 

I'm pretty pleased. I got to recycle, save the planet and not contribute to the mistreatment of those that work in the Fast Fashion industry.

Thanks for reading.

Blessings.

Confessions of a Single Mom- Reflections on Being a 'Wife' To Past Boyfriends

My second marriage just ended. And I am grieving.

When a marriage ends, you have many feelings around "What could I have done differently" and if it's your second, or subsequent marriage (or serious relationship) ending you may ask yourself, "Why does this keep happening, what is WRONG with ME??"

I know that I am far from perfect, but I also realize that there are many happy marriages/serious relationships that contain 2 imperfect people. I feel that I am willing to put 100% effort into making a relationship work, AND after one failed marriage and one broken engagement, I was pretty clear with what I was and wasn't looking for in a partner.

But ONE of my mistakes I realize that I make consistently is by allowing myself to be "a Wife" to my boyfriends. I will explain...

My Love Language is Acts of Service. So, I can allow myself to go overboard offering to cook, clean, babysit kids.... because in the beginning I actually ENJOY doing it!! It is how I show love.

But do you know what else it does? It teaches my significant other how to assume that I will continue to ALWAYS love doing it all.

Ladies, please do NOT make this same mistake! We "Play house", spend countless hours together, join families (in my case) before there is any kind of commitment (other than trusting their word). 

Please do not do what I have done- do not try to swoop in and care for them by doing it all for them when they complain that in their last relationship THEY were the ones doing it all. This might even have been the truth. But do you know what you are ACTUALLY doing? You are setting yourself up for a world of backlash when you realize that it is simply not sustainable. In the following few weeks/ months/ years you will likely start to feel burnt out and taken advantage of.

Even if there are no children involved, you WILL begin to resent your significant other when they ALLOW you to continue to do it all for him. Well guess what? They learned this FROM you. This has been a difficult realization for me.

It amazes me that I have had 3 men propose to me. Three men that actually WANTED me as their wife. But when I really reflect on this I'm sure that it was, at least in part, because they thought they would have a "Super-Wife" that could cook, clean, look relatively good when she wanted to AND do it all with a huge smile on my face! And when I later pushed back, saying that it was all too much for me, they were confused and fought back against it.

This post is NOT for the women that have no interest in marriage. It is not for the women that are married and are completely happy with "doing it all", and wouldn't have it any other way (you, my friend, are a supernatural human being!).

This post is for those women that truly want a happy, healthy PARTNERSHIP with a significant other, like I did. That are doing everything expected of a wife, with no ring on that finger, but that LONG for one to be there. Please listen to my words:

You will teach your significant other in the beginning of your relationship how they can treat you and what they should be able to expect out of a relationship with you. If you want a partnership, then you should demand that from the beginning. Be honest!

Even as my husband moved out last month, I was still willing to work on our relationship together. I'm always willing to invest 100% into someone I love, remember? 

What I wasn't willing to do, however, was to continue to help support our family financially by working AND run a household of 7 on my own. 

But I suppose I should have been clearer about that from the beginning.

I just hope that I can spare someone SOMEWHERE heartache by sharing my pain and the mistakes that I have made. And as I reflect on things that I could have done differently, I'll share more.

You live. You learn. You grow. 

AND, each of these are blessings.

Thanks for reading, friends.

Not Today

Today I choose to ignore the dishes piled in the sink.

I choose to close the doors of the rooms that need to be tidied and cleaned.

I choose to leave the renovation supplies scattered around my basement and not work on my new Aesthetic Room, even though it is almost finished.

And I choose to put my feet up and rest.

Trust me when I say that this is not an easy thing for me to do. When things get tough in my life, I tend to keep myself as busy as possible to avoid feeling the emotions that are bubbling up to the surface.

Today I choose to quiet my body and to listen.

This spring we made the decision to refinance our home for a list of different reasons. When my husband moved out a month ago, I found myself with an extremely large mortgage and only myself to cover the expenses.

I spent the remainder of my summer with my kids working on clients while they stared at screens and man-oh-man...I felt guilty.

Lately, we've had a lot of movie nights together, even on school nights or during dinner, because I just need to order a pizza or feed them some pogos and I think that they will enjoy that more if we're cuddling on the couch together. And I feel guilty.

I feel guilty that I didn't really take the boys anywhere this summer. That sometimes I'm just too tired to chase them around the yard and play tag. That I have to be extremely selective in after school activities because there is only myself to drop off/ pick up AND I need to be at home for my clients. And then I feel guilty that I feel guilty. And feeling guilty is exhausting.

Today I choose rest and self-care. I am currently sitting here typing with haircolour on my roots and eagerly anticipating the long hot shower to follow.

I plan to then sit with a HOT coffee and actually read more than one chapter of the book that I continuously pick up and put down, never to finish even the first chapter.

I will paint my nails and maybe even nap (*GASP*), if I feel so inclined. 

I have set aside 9am- 3pm today to do whatever my heart desires, as long as it is restful.

I choose to silence that "Mom Guilt". To repeatedly tell myself that those piles and piles of laundry will wait. That the packages that I have to mail will wait. That the countless ideas of all-natural makeup and skincare products bouncing around in my brain will wait.

Today I rest.

And to whomever else needs to hear this, I will say to you- Rest. Self-care is truly not being lazy, though it may feel that way. We need to rest to be the best version of ourselves for those we love.

And though I forget it all the time, we need to love ourselves too. It's so easy for me to criticize, expect more of, and act in an unloving way to myself. It is much more difficult to love myself.

So today I choose love. Today I choose rest.

And I firmly say to that mountain of laundry and the pile of dishes in the sink, 

"Not today".

In My Closet- Fall's Must-have Item: The 'Coatigan'!

So, who's heard of the term 'Coatigan'?

I truly wish that I had coined this phrase, but sadly, I did not.

I recently walked into my friend's Living Room and was proudly showing off a new thrifted item and my friend, Christy, said "Oh- it's a Coatigan!"

And all made sense in the world.

A long cardigan/coat = Coatigan. Of course!

I picked up this long fuzzy blue one at Value Village for a steal!

Blue Coatigan: $10.99 Value Village

The blur beside me is my son's friend Lucy trying to photobomb me. Haha.

But seriously, I really believe EVERYONE needs a Coatigan in their life. And a friend like Christy to keep them up on the latest clothing slang.

The very next day I popped into Style Encore. Because they are a consignment store, I was pretty confident that they would have at least one in stock. They did in fact have a few, and I snagged one in an Autumn-y cranberry colour. 

I was also able to replace my black booties that I wore for years until they broke beyond repair (Seen here and here).

Cranberry-coloured Coatigan: $13 at Style Encore

Jeans: thrifted years ago.

Tank: thrifted years ago.

Black Booties: $17 New with tags at Style Encore

Purse: FREE from my cousin's wife

If you are not on your way out the door to thrift your own Coatigan right now...What are you even doing??

Also, in case you don't belive me that "Coatigan" is a real term, check out what come up on Pinterest when I put the term in their search engine:

Love. Them. All.

Whether it's ankle-length, to-the-knee or shorter- this year, sweater-weather calls for a trendy Coatigan in your closet.

Thanks for reading, friends

Blessings.

Confessions of a Single Mom. "For Now"

There are few things that I look forward to as much as chatting with my therapist. She has known me for 10 years and has helped me navigate through some of my darkest times.

While talking with her last week she asked me, "What are you afraid of right now? Going through what you are going through?"

I replied that I was afraid that I will always be "better" on my own. Refering to the fact that I can survive and thrive when I have only myself to lean on. When what I hope for is a partner to come alongside me and lessen my load.

She asked me, "What if you ARE better on your own? For now?"

And I realized that I truly am. Maybe not forever. But for now.

Weeks ago I told my husband that this marriage wasn't working. We had tried marriage groups and counselling sessions. But these strategies don't work if you only go a couple of times. The marriage, the family, they need to be invested in.

I said that we could either go to counseling, but REALLY put some effort in, or we could go to a Mediator to split our belongings. I hate the term 'Ultimatum', but I suppose that is what it was. I stated that I wanted to invest in us, that creating a happy and healthier family was my ultimate goal. And I saw counseling as the best way to achieve that.

But you can't make someone else's decision for them. In the past year I have worked hard to control my anger and to really pay attention to all that I have to be grateful for in this beautiful life. And I worked on it for me, and for us.

If you lay it out on the line for someone that you need A, B or C, then you give them the choice of what they do with that information.

When you love someone, you give them the power to hurt you deeply. That is your choice to give them that power. Everything you share, every time you are vulnerable, every deepest darkest secret can one day be used against you. C.S. Lewis said that "If you love deeply you will hurt badly. But it's still worth it."

I could shame mysef for everything I did wrong in the last couple of years, or I can remind myself that I chose to be vulnerable and love someone. And I got hurt. And that was brave.

So, for now, I enjoy being "better" on my own. I rest in the knowledge that I can care for myself and my boys in the way that we need. That I can depend on myself to provide and that there is no need for a partner or another person in our lives. 

At least, for now.

Confessions of a Single Mom....Again.

Yesterday my husband of 2 years packed his belongings.

Monday would be our 2nd Wedding Anniversary.

What am I feeling? Well...

I feel so completely devastated for the 5 kids involved.

I feel relief because there is no more fighting or hostility in the home.

I grieve the marriage and family that I expected us to have together. 

I blame myself for not being able to bring that dream to reality.

I feel hope that MAYBE there is a sliver of hope for a future together...one day.

I feel ashamed that I even let myself hope.

Please friends, I will need grace in the coming days and weeks if I:

* am slow to repond to a text or a message. Somtimes it hits me so hard and I can't even function for a time.

* refer to him as my husband. Are you exes as soon as one moves out? Or is that saved for if a divorce is finalized? I am not sure.

* I continue to wear my wedding ring for longer than I should. I truly thought that I would NEVER take it off.

* I'm smiling with tears in my eyes. I am probably trying to remain strong while barely keeping it together.

The house is too quiet. I miss the chaos of 5 kids running around. The driveway seems so empty now. His truck was a comfort, somehow.

I have been madly in love with this man for 3 years. I crushed on him for years prior. And I am in love with him still.

I read this quote recently, and it resonates with me:

"Did you love him"

"Yes"

"How much?"

Does it matter?"

"Why does it not?"

"Because it wasn't enough to make him stay."

~A.B (via sleevesofgrass)

So for now I sit hurting, loving, blaming, grieving, hoping, shaming... feeling a new feeling with each new moment.

So please be gracious. Today, it is very difficult to be strong.

Blessings.

'Wine Culture' and How I Fully Bought Into It

Guys, I LOVE wine.

Like, really, REALLY love wine.

If you asked my kids what my favourite thing in life was, they would probably say wine. And I don't know if I'm ok with that anymore.

We're told that it's totally acceptable though, aren't we? There are memes all over Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram just to name a few.

We're told that "It's Monday...you deserve a glass of wine!"

"It's Friday....celebrate with a glass of wine!"

"It's the weekend/ vacation...wine is acceptable at ALL meals."

And, goodness knows, I dive right in. Happy that my love of wine has become so completely socially acceptable. I never get hungover and wine made me feel SO good about life. But then something changed for me.

It changed recently when I began to slightly panic if I knew there wasn't wine in the house. How could I deal with five kids and a husband without my wine? But, I told myself it was the ONE thing that I got for ME. It was simply to calm me down to cope more easily with:

* Fighting kids.

* Cling-y kids.

* Sick kids.

* Not-going-to-bed-kids.

* Snow days.

* Rainy days.

* Fights with Hubby.

You get the picture...

I told myself that it made me a better Mom, a better wife. It made me more 'playful' in the bedroom, and super funny and witty and the best version of me. But of course it didn't.

Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. And wine was my escape.

I recently heard a quote by Brene Brown,

and it hit me right in the gut.

That's exactly what I was doing. Things were tough with the hubby? Drink wine, it makes it all better. Kids were especially exhausting? Drink wine, because it makes it all better. But truly, I was wanting to be numb. Not better. 

Why did I feel sad? Why was I feeling lonely? Because I was numb. Because I was too numb to feel the good feelings while trying to silence the bad. And that was a seriously eye opening moment for me.

Do I want my kids to grow up thinking that adults need to drink EVERY day to cope? I absolutely do not, but I was showing them a different picture. I want to find joy in my children, to savour the short time that I have with them, not simply get through until tomorrow.

My oldest son will be twelve in November. I am realizing that I don't have a whole lot of years left with him at home. I want to be completely present for the years that I do have him with me. 

To be clear... I am not blaming wine. I will continue to drink it and enjoy it once in a while when we're out. But I will not be bringing it home with me. I believe life is fluid and we are always changing and this may change as well. But for now, my unhealthy crutch must stay out.

Because I'm just too strong to be numb.

Blessings.

Toxic-Free, DIY Laundry Soap

Well Happy Friday, friends!

Things, they have been a-changing over here at my household!

I am starting a home-based Aesthetic business in my home, I left a direct-selling company that I was with for over a year (and doing well with), and the kiddos are growing every day.

When I left SeneGence, for various reasons, I was given the opportunity to really reflect on what line of products I would be using in my Beauty Space. I was able to dig deep and go back to my roots. I realized that of COURSE I wanted to use a line that was Fair Trade. A line that was sustainably sourced. Canadian. I found all of that and more in the skincare line that I am using now- Skin Essence Organics.

I have been so happy with how my skin is feeling and because our skin is our largest organ in our body AND we know that what we put ON our skin, goes IN our skin, I've been thinking more about other areas of my life. I'm working on creating affordable all-natural cosmetics. And I'm looking again at my cleaners.

I used to be SO GOOD about only using All-natural cleaners, but kids came and I got busy. I know that makes no sense. I should have been MORE wary of what I was using in the home and in our air.

So, I'm going back to basics. All-natural Dry Shampoos (Post on that to come), homemade scrubs and body wash. AND homemade, Non-toxic Cleaners.

Now, I am not throwing out eveything that is not Toxin-free. I will still wear lipstick (once in a while). I will still spritz some perfume on when I want. BUT as I empty products around the home, I WILL be sourcing out a way to make it myself, Toxin-free.

And so it happened that I ran out of our SUNLIGHT Laundry powder. I had picked it up on super sale one day and it had washed a ton of our (Family of 7's) laundry. But I wanted a Non-toxic formula going forward. 

And so I came upon this recipe and I am in LOVE. Simple, cheap and Non-toxic. All wins.

Here it is:

*1 bar of Laundry Soap ( I bought Aurora's Linda Laundry Soap at No Frill's for less than $2)

 *3 cups of Borax (fyi, Borax is great for cleaning the toilets- just sprinkle in the bowl and leave it overnight)

* 3 cups Washing Soda (NOT Baking Soda)

That's it! 

I grated up the bar of Laundry Soap and mixed it all together. It uses 1/4 cup per load and I just put it in an upcycled coffee container.

It smells SOOO GOOD, like a very light citrus-y scent.

And as a pleasant surprise, it cuts down on static!

What do you think? Would you DIY your own Laundry Soap?

Thanks for reading!

Blessings.

Hope Hiding In A Broken-Down Bookshelf

One of my favourite things in life is when I come across an ugly piece of furniture while thrifting, but I can see potential in it.

That's when I strut up to that checkout like I just won the lottery.

And that's how I looked while buying this ugly bookshelf a couple of weeks ago.

I'm sure people wondered WHY I would pay money for this monstrousity. Even if it was only $8.99.

The shelves were peeling and cracked. But I liked the dark wood. And I had a plan.

A few years ago I used some 'Stainless Steel' Contact Paper on my dishwasher (see post here).

I had some of that Contact paper left over, and that I what I had planned to use to fix up this bookshelf.

Above- Top shelf done.

You just have to be careful to smooth out the bubbles as you go.

Here is the finished product. I'm SO happy with how it turned out!

Not bad for $8.99!

It will be perfect in my home Lash and Beauty Bar once I get it all set up!

Thanks for reading friends!

Blessings.