Confessions of a Single Mom....Again.

Yesterday my husband of 2 years packed his belongings.

Monday would be our 2nd Wedding Anniversary.

What am I feeling? Well...

I feel so completely devastated for the 5 kids involved.

I feel relief because there is no more fighting or hostility in the home.

I grieve the marriage and family that I expected us to have together. 

I blame myself for not being able to bring that dream to reality.

I feel hope that MAYBE there is a sliver of hope for a future together...one day.

I feel ashamed that I even let myself hope.

Please friends, I will need grace in the coming days and weeks if I:

* am slow to repond to a text or a message. Somtimes it hits me so hard and I can't even function for a time.

* refer to him as my husband. Are you exes as soon as one moves out? Or is that saved for if a divorce is finalized? I am not sure.

* I continue to wear my wedding ring for longer than I should. I truly thought that I would NEVER take it off.

* I'm smiling with tears in my eyes. I am probably trying to remain strong while barely keeping it together.

The house is too quiet. I miss the chaos of 5 kids running around. The driveway seems so empty now. His truck was a comfort, somehow.

I have been madly in love with this man for 3 years. I crushed on him for years prior. And I am in love with him still.

I read this quote recently, and it resonates with me:

"Did you love him"

"Yes"

"How much?"

Does it matter?"

"Why does it not?"

"Because it wasn't enough to make him stay."

~A.B (via sleevesofgrass)

So for now I sit hurting, loving, blaming, grieving, hoping, shaming... feeling a new feeling with each new moment.

So please be gracious. Today, it is very difficult to be strong.

Blessings.