Not Today

Today I choose to ignore the dishes piled in the sink.

I choose to close the doors of the rooms that need to be tidied and cleaned.

I choose to leave the renovation supplies scattered around my basement and not work on my new Aesthetic Room, even though it is almost finished.

And I choose to put my feet up and rest.

Trust me when I say that this is not an easy thing for me to do. When things get tough in my life, I tend to keep myself as busy as possible to avoid feeling the emotions that are bubbling up to the surface.

Today I choose to quiet my body and to listen.

This spring we made the decision to refinance our home for a list of different reasons. When my husband moved out a month ago, I found myself with an extremely large mortgage and only myself to cover the expenses.

I spent the remainder of my summer with my kids working on clients while they stared at screens and man-oh-man...I felt guilty.

Lately, we've had a lot of movie nights together, even on school nights or during dinner, because I just need to order a pizza or feed them some pogos and I think that they will enjoy that more if we're cuddling on the couch together. And I feel guilty.

I feel guilty that I didn't really take the boys anywhere this summer. That sometimes I'm just too tired to chase them around the yard and play tag. That I have to be extremely selective in after school activities because there is only myself to drop off/ pick up AND I need to be at home for my clients. And then I feel guilty that I feel guilty. And feeling guilty is exhausting.

Today I choose rest and self-care. I am currently sitting here typing with haircolour on my roots and eagerly anticipating the long hot shower to follow.

I plan to then sit with a HOT coffee and actually read more than one chapter of the book that I continuously pick up and put down, never to finish even the first chapter.

I will paint my nails and maybe even nap (*GASP*), if I feel so inclined. 

I have set aside 9am- 3pm today to do whatever my heart desires, as long as it is restful.

I choose to silence that "Mom Guilt". To repeatedly tell myself that those piles and piles of laundry will wait. That the packages that I have to mail will wait. That the countless ideas of all-natural makeup and skincare products bouncing around in my brain will wait.

Today I rest.

And to whomever else needs to hear this, I will say to you- Rest. Self-care is truly not being lazy, though it may feel that way. We need to rest to be the best version of ourselves for those we love.

And though I forget it all the time, we need to love ourselves too. It's so easy for me to criticize, expect more of, and act in an unloving way to myself. It is much more difficult to love myself.

So today I choose love. Today I choose rest.

And I firmly say to that mountain of laundry and the pile of dishes in the sink, 

"Not today".