100 Days Sober

*Trigger Warning. Sexual Assault Content *

Today I'm 100 days sober.

Getting sober has definitely caused me to dig deep, within myself, and analyze WHY I felt the need to numb the life all around me.

It's given me a new-found sense of self. It's helped me put up new boundaries in my life. It's taught me to have grace and to forgive myself for things I've done, whether intoxicated at the time, or not.

But it's also brought up feelings of shame and guilt that I held deep down inside for a very long time. Most of that shame was around various incidences of sexual assault.

Many as a teenager, and at the time, looked at as "not a big deal". But they WERE a big deal.

Some as an adult. As a single woman that drank, I was in situations that I should not have been in, or most likely would never have been in - if I had been sober.

I want to preface this by stating clearly - if a woman is drinking, that does NOT MEAN that sexual assault did not happen, or that it should be excused. Period.

Statistically, 25% of women (I truly believe that number is much higher since most go unreported), and half of those involve alcohol. Why do most go unreported? Because, as women, we've learned early on that if alcohol was involved - we're to blame. NOT the one that committed the assault. In my own life, I've told loved ones of incidents and the first question asked of me was, "Well, was he DRINKING?".

Let me be clear.

Drinking is NOT a crime. Sexual assault is.

Drinking does NOT CAUSE sexual assault. Those that commit the assault do.

Drinking is NOT an excuse. In many cases, it is a deliberate tool used by offenders.

I sat in a hospital for hours one day. Unable to remember anything from the night before other than having two glasses of wine (which, let's be honest - was basically my breakfast every day, at that point), blacking out completely and waking up in vomit. Although I had done everything to be safe - told friends /family his name, address, where he worked... I was still drugged and have no recollection of the night.

Even with all of that knowledge, nothing ever came back conclusive enough for charges.

And THAT is why so many incidents go unreported.

I do believe that is part of why I just tell myself to be "strong", and "move on", completely ignoring the feelings of violation and shame. And I'm sure that many other women simply do the same.

After 100 days of being sober, I can finally say "me too". And it's not ok. AND I can have the grace to erase any feelings of shame around those incidences.

And I can vow to raise boys that know that no means no, informed consent is of upmost importance, and if she's unconscious - well, only predators see that as an advantage.