Confessions of a Single Mom- Reflections on Being a 'Wife' To Past Boyfriends

My second marriage just ended. And I am grieving.

When a marriage ends, you have many feelings around "What could I have done differently" and if it's your second, or subsequent marriage (or serious relationship) ending you may ask yourself, "Why does this keep happening, what is WRONG with ME??"

I know that I am far from perfect, but I also realize that there are many happy marriages/serious relationships that contain 2 imperfect people. I feel that I am willing to put 100% effort into making a relationship work, AND after one failed marriage and one broken engagement, I was pretty clear with what I was and wasn't looking for in a partner.

But ONE of my mistakes I realize that I make consistently is by allowing myself to be "a Wife" to my boyfriends. I will explain...

My Love Language is Acts of Service. So, I can allow myself to go overboard offering to cook, clean, babysit kids.... because in the beginning I actually ENJOY doing it!! It is how I show love.

But do you know what else it does? It teaches my significant other how to assume that I will continue to ALWAYS love doing it all.

Ladies, please do NOT make this same mistake! We "Play house", spend countless hours together, join families (in my case) before there is any kind of commitment (other than trusting their word). 

Please do not do what I have done- do not try to swoop in and care for them by doing it all for them when they complain that in their last relationship THEY were the ones doing it all. This might even have been the truth. But do you know what you are ACTUALLY doing? You are setting yourself up for a world of backlash when you realize that it is simply not sustainable. In the following few weeks/ months/ years you will likely start to feel burnt out and taken advantage of.

Even if there are no children involved, you WILL begin to resent your significant other when they ALLOW you to continue to do it all for him. Well guess what? They learned this FROM you. This has been a difficult realization for me.

It amazes me that I have had 3 men propose to me. Three men that actually WANTED me as their wife. But when I really reflect on this I'm sure that it was, at least in part, because they thought they would have a "Super-Wife" that could cook, clean, look relatively good when she wanted to AND do it all with a huge smile on my face! And when I later pushed back, saying that it was all too much for me, they were confused and fought back against it.

This post is NOT for the women that have no interest in marriage. It is not for the women that are married and are completely happy with "doing it all", and wouldn't have it any other way (you, my friend, are a supernatural human being!).

This post is for those women that truly want a happy, healthy PARTNERSHIP with a significant other, like I did. That are doing everything expected of a wife, with no ring on that finger, but that LONG for one to be there. Please listen to my words:

You will teach your significant other in the beginning of your relationship how they can treat you and what they should be able to expect out of a relationship with you. If you want a partnership, then you should demand that from the beginning. Be honest!

Even as my husband moved out last month, I was still willing to work on our relationship together. I'm always willing to invest 100% into someone I love, remember? 

What I wasn't willing to do, however, was to continue to help support our family financially by working AND run a household of 7 on my own. 

But I suppose I should have been clearer about that from the beginning.

I just hope that I can spare someone SOMEWHERE heartache by sharing my pain and the mistakes that I have made. And as I reflect on things that I could have done differently, I'll share more.

You live. You learn. You grow. 

AND, each of these are blessings.

Thanks for reading, friends.