Confessions Of A Single Mom- My Choice To Postpone My Wedding With Only 5 Weeks To Go

One week ago I sent out a note to our wedding guests that there would no longer be a wedding on New Year's Eve.

Those may have been some of the most difficult words for me to type to date.

But we just weren't ready.

For the wedding- oh yes, we were ready! The website was running and the RSVP's had all come back in. I had DIY-ed our table numbers, boutonnieres, chalkboard signs...even our bouquets! And I couldn't wait to blog about all of it.

But we just. Weren't. Ready.

The food had all been chosen, the cake, decor, the shuttle had been booked. Trust me, as a 'thrifty' person- the money that has been lost weighed heavily on me.

But there were still things that needed to be done.

Not for the wedding. But for the marriage.  

There were still things that needed to be completed- some schooling, for example. And there were some things that needed to be started, or perhaps rediscovered- like a genuine mutual respect for one another.

My love and I did things backwards, it seems. We dated. We had a baby. Then we fell in love. There are certain difficulties and hardships that come along with that.

Not to mention the fact that I'd been married before. My love told me numerous times that I am jaded. But I don't believe that I am. In the past 4 years I have learned to be open and vulnerable. I have broken down walls that I had believed kept me safe and have found that I am happier for it. I learned to trust someone again, which I never believed that I could. But through all the positive strides, I knew there were things that I needed to be in place before I could marry again.

I needed to know that it would be best for us- the adults involved. That through marriage, we would help to bring out the best in each other. Not that we NEEDED each other, but that we CHOSE each other. Every single morning.

I also needed to know that it would be best for my children. That they would see in us a happy, healthy relationship. They would see conflict, of course. But I need them to see resolution in a loving and respectful way.

In these ways and more we need more time to get there. I need more time to get there. 

And I still have hope that we may. As a couple. As a family. But possibly I have done too much damage with the postponing of the date. I know this. But I still have hope.

I love him. Still. 

But we just weren't ready.

Peace.