Seven Days Sober

 

It's been seven days since I've had a drink of alcohol.

To many, that might sound insignificant. To me last month- that sounded impossible.

A couple of years ago I blogged about how I felt that I had completely bought into the "Wine Culture" that is so prevalent in our lives today. How wine had become such a big part of my daily life that it actually worried me. And I vowed to cut back.

And I tried. And I failed.

Soon after, I replaced wine with vodka. Vodka was more cost-effective and much less obvious that I was drinking it. One of the reasons I felt that I needed to cut back on wine was that I didn't want my kids to observe how much I was drinking. Vodka seemed to fix that.

For two years I have said "I need to quit drinking". And I actually meant it when I said it. I just didn't believe that I could. After a trip to Mexico in February 2019, I really wanted to AND felt that I needed to. But a short time into Covid lockdown the next month and I was right back at it. 

I tried. I failed.

I asked my Dr. to do some bloodwork this past fall after some strange health issues I had been experiencing, and specifically requested she check on my liver.  As I suspected, my numbers were severely elevated. I promised that I would cut back, or quit. 

I tried. I failed.

And so went my endless battle cycle with alcohol. I felt that my life as a single, self-employed mom was too overwhelming, but then felt out of touch with my life because of the alcohol. More overwhelm, more alcohol. 

Trying. Failing. Drinking to forget I was failing. Failing because of my drinking.

I have listened to a million TED Talks on how to quit. I have scoured YouTube for tips. I talked to my Dr. and I attended an AA meeting. Nothing seemed to "fit" that would take away that craving to escape. 

I have tried to control my alcohol consumption for two years. Tried and failed.

Last week I looked at myself in the mirror and I finally realized that it was the alcohol that had the control over me.

I realized, as I looked at my reflection, that if I didn't stop- there was no doubt in my mind that I would eventually drink myself to death. And I decided to look at alcohol like a parasite that was trying to control me. Drain me. Destroy me. An enemy instead of a beloved friend.

I often look back at the times I've tried and failed to quit drinking alcohol. And I feel ashamed that I couldn't succeed. I feel weak.

Today I feel strong.

I feel proud that each time I tried and failed, I tried again. I feel thankful that failing meant learning and growing, instead of giving up.

I am seven days sober and I am learning and growing every day. I am walking this road, not in naivety- but armed with the wisdom gained from past failures.

Thank you for reading about my journey.

Blessings.