Confessions of a Single Mom- Reflections on Being a 'Wife' To Past Boyfriends

My second marriage just ended. And I am grieving.

When a marriage ends, you have many feelings around "What could I have done differently" and if it's your second, or subsequent marriage (or serious relationship) ending you may ask yourself, "Why does this keep happening, what is WRONG with ME??"

I know that I am far from perfect, but I also realize that there are many happy marriages/serious relationships that contain 2 imperfect people. I feel that I am willing to put 100% effort into making a relationship work, AND after one failed marriage and one broken engagement, I was pretty clear with what I was and wasn't looking for in a partner.

But ONE of my mistakes I realize that I make consistently is by allowing myself to be "a Wife" to my boyfriends. I will explain...

My Love Language is Acts of Service. So, I can allow myself to go overboard offering to cook, clean, babysit kids.... because in the beginning I actually ENJOY doing it!! It is how I show love.

But do you know what else it does? It teaches my significant other how to assume that I will continue to ALWAYS love doing it all.

Ladies, please do NOT make this same mistake! We "Play house", spend countless hours together, join families (in my case) before there is any kind of commitment (other than trusting their word). 

Please do not do what I have done- do not try to swoop in and care for them by doing it all for them when they complain that in their last relationship THEY were the ones doing it all. This might even have been the truth. But do you know what you are ACTUALLY doing? You are setting yourself up for a world of backlash when you realize that it is simply not sustainable. In the following few weeks/ months/ years you will likely start to feel burnt out and taken advantage of.

Even if there are no children involved, you WILL begin to resent your significant other when they ALLOW you to continue to do it all for him. Well guess what? They learned this FROM you. This has been a difficult realization for me.

It amazes me that I have had 3 men propose to me. Three men that actually WANTED me as their wife. But when I really reflect on this I'm sure that it was, at least in part, because they thought they would have a "Super-Wife" that could cook, clean, look relatively good when she wanted to AND do it all with a huge smile on my face! And when I later pushed back, saying that it was all too much for me, they were confused and fought back against it.

This post is NOT for the women that have no interest in marriage. It is not for the women that are married and are completely happy with "doing it all", and wouldn't have it any other way (you, my friend, are a supernatural human being!).

This post is for those women that truly want a happy, healthy PARTNERSHIP with a significant other, like I did. That are doing everything expected of a wife, with no ring on that finger, but that LONG for one to be there. Please listen to my words:

You will teach your significant other in the beginning of your relationship how they can treat you and what they should be able to expect out of a relationship with you. If you want a partnership, then you should demand that from the beginning. Be honest!

Even as my husband moved out last month, I was still willing to work on our relationship together. I'm always willing to invest 100% into someone I love, remember? 

What I wasn't willing to do, however, was to continue to help support our family financially by working AND run a household of 7 on my own. 

But I suppose I should have been clearer about that from the beginning.

I just hope that I can spare someone SOMEWHERE heartache by sharing my pain and the mistakes that I have made. And as I reflect on things that I could have done differently, I'll share more.

You live. You learn. You grow. 

AND, each of these are blessings.

Thanks for reading, friends.

Not Today

Today I choose to ignore the dishes piled in the sink.

I choose to close the doors of the rooms that need to be tidied and cleaned.

I choose to leave the renovation supplies scattered around my basement and not work on my new Aesthetic Room, even though it is almost finished.

And I choose to put my feet up and rest.

Trust me when I say that this is not an easy thing for me to do. When things get tough in my life, I tend to keep myself as busy as possible to avoid feeling the emotions that are bubbling up to the surface.

Today I choose to quiet my body and to listen.

This spring we made the decision to refinance our home for a list of different reasons. When my husband moved out a month ago, I found myself with an extremely large mortgage and only myself to cover the expenses.

I spent the remainder of my summer with my kids working on clients while they stared at screens and man-oh-man...I felt guilty.

Lately, we've had a lot of movie nights together, even on school nights or during dinner, because I just need to order a pizza or feed them some pogos and I think that they will enjoy that more if we're cuddling on the couch together. And I feel guilty.

I feel guilty that I didn't really take the boys anywhere this summer. That sometimes I'm just too tired to chase them around the yard and play tag. That I have to be extremely selective in after school activities because there is only myself to drop off/ pick up AND I need to be at home for my clients. And then I feel guilty that I feel guilty. And feeling guilty is exhausting.

Today I choose rest and self-care. I am currently sitting here typing with haircolour on my roots and eagerly anticipating the long hot shower to follow.

I plan to then sit with a HOT coffee and actually read more than one chapter of the book that I continuously pick up and put down, never to finish even the first chapter.

I will paint my nails and maybe even nap (*GASP*), if I feel so inclined. 

I have set aside 9am- 3pm today to do whatever my heart desires, as long as it is restful.

I choose to silence that "Mom Guilt". To repeatedly tell myself that those piles and piles of laundry will wait. That the packages that I have to mail will wait. That the countless ideas of all-natural makeup and skincare products bouncing around in my brain will wait.

Today I rest.

And to whomever else needs to hear this, I will say to you- Rest. Self-care is truly not being lazy, though it may feel that way. We need to rest to be the best version of ourselves for those we love.

And though I forget it all the time, we need to love ourselves too. It's so easy for me to criticize, expect more of, and act in an unloving way to myself. It is much more difficult to love myself.

So today I choose love. Today I choose rest.

And I firmly say to that mountain of laundry and the pile of dishes in the sink, 

"Not today".

In My Closet- Fall's Must-have Item: The 'Coatigan'!

So, who's heard of the term 'Coatigan'?

I truly wish that I had coined this phrase, but sadly, I did not.

I recently walked into my friend's Living Room and was proudly showing off a new thrifted item and my friend, Christy, said "Oh- it's a Coatigan!"

And all made sense in the world.

A long cardigan/coat = Coatigan. Of course!

I picked up this long fuzzy blue one at Value Village for a steal!

Blue Coatigan: $10.99 Value Village

The blur beside me is my son's friend Lucy trying to photobomb me. Haha.

But seriously, I really believe EVERYONE needs a Coatigan in their life. And a friend like Christy to keep them up on the latest clothing slang.

The very next day I popped into Style Encore. Because they are a consignment store, I was pretty confident that they would have at least one in stock. They did in fact have a few, and I snagged one in an Autumn-y cranberry colour. 

I was also able to replace my black booties that I wore for years until they broke beyond repair (Seen here and here).

Cranberry-coloured Coatigan: $13 at Style Encore

Jeans: thrifted years ago.

Tank: thrifted years ago.

Black Booties: $17 New with tags at Style Encore

Purse: FREE from my cousin's wife

If you are not on your way out the door to thrift your own Coatigan right now...What are you even doing??

Also, in case you don't belive me that "Coatigan" is a real term, check out what come up on Pinterest when I put the term in their search engine:

Love. Them. All.

Whether it's ankle-length, to-the-knee or shorter- this year, sweater-weather calls for a trendy Coatigan in your closet.

Thanks for reading, friends

Blessings.