Considering The Adoption Option- Self-LESS or Self-ISH?

Lately I have been thinking more and more about the adoption option for this baby.

I'm trying to decide if it as a selfish choice- in that I am taking the 'easy way out'- or if it would be a selfless choice.

I suppose, in the end, it would be a little from each column.

I lie awake and wonder if this baby was given to me in order to bless another family that is desperately waiting for a child.

Maybe this baby was given to me- specifically me- because I have BEEN THERE. I can vividly remember how it felt to ache inside for a child to mother. How it felt to endure not only the intrusive and invasive tests while living through IVF, but also coping with the just-as-invasive questions while I completed my Home Study for adoption.

I can remember how incredibly devastating it was to see everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies, when ALL I WANTED IN LIFE was to experience the same for myself.

Is this baby the answer to the question that I asked over and over and over again during that dark time in my life- "WHY???" 

"WHY do I have to go through this?"

"WHY- when I BELIEVE that I would be a good mother to a child??"

Did I live through that darkness years ago simply in order to better understand the situation that I am living through now??

Perhaps.



Or, perhaps this baby was given to me- specifically me- BECAUSE I yearned so badly and for so long to be a mother. Because I made it through. Because I persevered. A 'reward', or something.... I don't think life works that way, though...




All I know is that my 6-year-old already ADORES this baby. He has given the baby a name and says 'goodnight' to him every night.




And for THAT reason, my seemingly (to me) selfish adoption option gets tabled again.




In SO many ways, I would LOVE to bless a family with this dear life growing inside of me. In SO many ways, I would like to go about my life the way that it has been for the last few years. 




I can handle my two boys. I have two eyes to watch them with. I have two hands that can hold theirs. I have two arms that can wrap around them. I have two lips that can cover them with kisses. 





But then, a large part of me is hoping that one more will just add to the joy of our little family. After all, I have one heart, but it loves many. I have one womb, but it has formed three lives. I have one mind, but it has the power to make momentous decisions- like this one that I face over these next few months.... 





To be Self-less? To be Self-fish? 


To bless others? To add to my own family?



Whatever choice is made, this baby will be a blessing. This baby will be loved. He will be treasured.




And I suppose- for now- I can rest in that truth. And leave the options for another day....