Confessions of a Single Mom. "For Now"

There are few things that I look forward to as much as chatting with my therapist. She has known me for 10 years and has helped me navigate through some of my darkest times.

While talking with her last week she asked me, "What are you afraid of right now? Going through what you are going through?"

I replied that I was afraid that I will always be "better" on my own. Refering to the fact that I can survive and thrive when I have only myself to lean on. When what I hope for is a partner to come alongside me and lessen my load.

She asked me, "What if you ARE better on your own? For now?"

And I realized that I truly am. Maybe not forever. But for now.

Weeks ago I told my husband that this marriage wasn't working. We had tried marriage groups and counselling sessions. But these strategies don't work if you only go a couple of times. The marriage, the family, they need to be invested in.

I said that we could either go to counseling, but REALLY put some effort in, or we could go to a Mediator to split our belongings. I hate the term 'Ultimatum', but I suppose that is what it was. I stated that I wanted to invest in us, that creating a happy and healthier family was my ultimate goal. And I saw counseling as the best way to achieve that.

But you can't make someone else's decision for them. In the past year I have worked hard to control my anger and to really pay attention to all that I have to be grateful for in this beautiful life. And I worked on it for me, and for us.

If you lay it out on the line for someone that you need A, B or C, then you give them the choice of what they do with that information.

When you love someone, you give them the power to hurt you deeply. That is your choice to give them that power. Everything you share, every time you are vulnerable, every deepest darkest secret can one day be used against you. C.S. Lewis said that "If you love deeply you will hurt badly. But it's still worth it."

I could shame mysef for everything I did wrong in the last couple of years, or I can remind myself that I chose to be vulnerable and love someone. And I got hurt. And that was brave.

So, for now, I enjoy being "better" on my own. I rest in the knowledge that I can care for myself and my boys in the way that we need. That I can depend on myself to provide and that there is no need for a partner or another person in our lives. 

At least, for now.

Confessions of a Single Mom....Again.

Yesterday my husband of 2 years packed his belongings.

Monday would be our 2nd Wedding Anniversary.

What am I feeling? Well...

I feel so completely devastated for the 5 kids involved.

I feel relief because there is no more fighting or hostility in the home.

I grieve the marriage and family that I expected us to have together. 

I blame myself for not being able to bring that dream to reality.

I feel hope that MAYBE there is a sliver of hope for a future together...one day.

I feel ashamed that I even let myself hope.

Please friends, I will need grace in the coming days and weeks if I:

* am slow to repond to a text or a message. Somtimes it hits me so hard and I can't even function for a time.

* refer to him as my husband. Are you exes as soon as one moves out? Or is that saved for if a divorce is finalized? I am not sure.

* I continue to wear my wedding ring for longer than I should. I truly thought that I would NEVER take it off.

* I'm smiling with tears in my eyes. I am probably trying to remain strong while barely keeping it together.

The house is too quiet. I miss the chaos of 5 kids running around. The driveway seems so empty now. His truck was a comfort, somehow.

I have been madly in love with this man for 3 years. I crushed on him for years prior. And I am in love with him still.

I read this quote recently, and it resonates with me:

"Did you love him"

"Yes"

"How much?"

Does it matter?"

"Why does it not?"

"Because it wasn't enough to make him stay."

~A.B (via sleevesofgrass)

So for now I sit hurting, loving, blaming, grieving, hoping, shaming... feeling a new feeling with each new moment.

So please be gracious. Today, it is very difficult to be strong.

Blessings.

'Wine Culture' and How I Fully Bought Into It

Guys, I LOVE wine.

Like, really, REALLY love wine.

If you asked my kids what my favourite thing in life was, they would probably say wine. And I don't know if I'm ok with that anymore.

We're told that it's totally acceptable though, aren't we? There are memes all over Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram just to name a few.

We're told that "It's Monday...you deserve a glass of wine!"

"It's Friday....celebrate with a glass of wine!"

"It's the weekend/ vacation...wine is acceptable at ALL meals."

And, goodness knows, I dive right in. Happy that my love of wine has become so completely socially acceptable. I never get hungover and wine made me feel SO good about life. But then something changed for me.

It changed recently when I began to slightly panic if I knew there wasn't wine in the house. How could I deal with five kids and a husband without my wine? But, I told myself it was the ONE thing that I got for ME. It was simply to calm me down to cope more easily with:

* Fighting kids.

* Cling-y kids.

* Sick kids.

* Not-going-to-bed-kids.

* Snow days.

* Rainy days.

* Fights with Hubby.

You get the picture...

I told myself that it made me a better Mom, a better wife. It made me more 'playful' in the bedroom, and super funny and witty and the best version of me. But of course it didn't.

Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. And wine was my escape.

I recently heard a quote by Brene Brown,

and it hit me right in the gut.

That's exactly what I was doing. Things were tough with the hubby? Drink wine, it makes it all better. Kids were especially exhausting? Drink wine, because it makes it all better. But truly, I was wanting to be numb. Not better. 

Why did I feel sad? Why was I feeling lonely? Because I was numb. Because I was too numb to feel the good feelings while trying to silence the bad. And that was a seriously eye opening moment for me.

Do I want my kids to grow up thinking that adults need to drink EVERY day to cope? I absolutely do not, but I was showing them a different picture. I want to find joy in my children, to savour the short time that I have with them, not simply get through until tomorrow.

My oldest son will be twelve in November. I am realizing that I don't have a whole lot of years left with him at home. I want to be completely present for the years that I do have him with me. 

To be clear... I am not blaming wine. I will continue to drink it and enjoy it once in a while when we're out. But I will not be bringing it home with me. I believe life is fluid and we are always changing and this may change as well. But for now, my unhealthy crutch must stay out.

Because I'm just too strong to be numb.

Blessings.

Toxic-Free, DIY Laundry Soap

Well Happy Friday, friends!

Things, they have been a-changing over here at my household!

I am starting a home-based Aesthetic business in my home, I left a direct-selling company that I was with for over a year (and doing well with), and the kiddos are growing every day.

When I left SeneGence, for various reasons, I was given the opportunity to really reflect on what line of products I would be using in my Beauty Space. I was able to dig deep and go back to my roots. I realized that of COURSE I wanted to use a line that was Fair Trade. A line that was sustainably sourced. Canadian. I found all of that and more in the skincare line that I am using now- Skin Essence Organics.

I have been so happy with how my skin is feeling and because our skin is our largest organ in our body AND we know that what we put ON our skin, goes IN our skin, I've been thinking more about other areas of my life. I'm working on creating affordable all-natural cosmetics. And I'm looking again at my cleaners.

I used to be SO GOOD about only using All-natural cleaners, but kids came and I got busy. I know that makes no sense. I should have been MORE wary of what I was using in the home and in our air.

So, I'm going back to basics. All-natural Dry Shampoos (Post on that to come), homemade scrubs and body wash. AND homemade, Non-toxic Cleaners.

Now, I am not throwing out eveything that is not Toxin-free. I will still wear lipstick (once in a while). I will still spritz some perfume on when I want. BUT as I empty products around the home, I WILL be sourcing out a way to make it myself, Toxin-free.

And so it happened that I ran out of our SUNLIGHT Laundry powder. I had picked it up on super sale one day and it had washed a ton of our (Family of 7's) laundry. But I wanted a Non-toxic formula going forward. 

And so I came upon this recipe and I am in LOVE. Simple, cheap and Non-toxic. All wins.

Here it is:

*1 bar of Laundry Soap ( I bought Aurora's Linda Laundry Soap at No Frill's for less than $2)

 *3 cups of Borax (fyi, Borax is great for cleaning the toilets- just sprinkle in the bowl and leave it overnight)

* 3 cups Washing Soda (NOT Baking Soda)

That's it! 

I grated up the bar of Laundry Soap and mixed it all together. It uses 1/4 cup per load and I just put it in an upcycled coffee container.

It smells SOOO GOOD, like a very light citrus-y scent.

And as a pleasant surprise, it cuts down on static!

What do you think? Would you DIY your own Laundry Soap?

Thanks for reading!

Blessings.

Hope Hiding In A Broken-Down Bookshelf

One of my favourite things in life is when I come across an ugly piece of furniture while thrifting, but I can see potential in it.

That's when I strut up to that checkout like I just won the lottery.

And that's how I looked while buying this ugly bookshelf a couple of weeks ago.

I'm sure people wondered WHY I would pay money for this monstrousity. Even if it was only $8.99.

The shelves were peeling and cracked. But I liked the dark wood. And I had a plan.

A few years ago I used some 'Stainless Steel' Contact Paper on my dishwasher (see post here).

I had some of that Contact paper left over, and that I what I had planned to use to fix up this bookshelf.

Above- Top shelf done.

You just have to be careful to smooth out the bubbles as you go.

Here is the finished product. I'm SO happy with how it turned out!

Not bad for $8.99!

It will be perfect in my home Lash and Beauty Bar once I get it all set up!

Thanks for reading friends!

Blessings.

Somtimes Tuesdays Feel Like Mondays

I hope everyone enjoyed their (hopefully) long weekend last weekend and had time with loved ones celebrating Easter!

When I was heading out the door on Tuesday, I was feeling like I had it all together, considering that it was a Monday! It wasn't until later that morning I realized that it was actually Tuesday. Some days are just like that, haha.

BUT, I wanted to share this outfit because as I headed out, I realized that it was half FREE!

I also wish that I could have gotten my grey booties in the photo because I love them AND they were $7.99!

Purse: $12.99 Value Village

Black Tee: $4.99 Talize

Black Jacket: $12.99 Talize

Scarf: Christmas Gift from my step-daughter

Dark Wash Jeans: Castoff from a friend

 I realized that I do not wear this scarf enough! I absolutely love it!

Decided on Hazelnut LipSense (one of my ride or dies) and some Seafoam Shimmer ShadowSense on my eyes.

Thanks for reading!

 I have ONE Seafoam Shimmer in stock if you'd like to snag it! Check out other beauty tips/ tricks in my VIP Beauty Group: 

Courageous Beauty with Melissa 

Have a great weekend, friends!

Blessings.

Thrifting For My Senegence Seminar

The other day a friend asked me if I was still thrifting.

It surprised me, actually. OF COURSE I'm still thrifting.

When you have a value that is SUCH a huge part of you- I don't know how I could ever go back to my old ways!

I thrift for SO many reasons. For one thing, I do it for the earth- I can't stand how much waste we as North Americans make. I refuse to contribute to the 'disposable' mentality that we are encouraged to live by. The FAST FASHION movement is one of the worst movements for our planet. BUT, I won't get into a rant over that today. 

But her comment did make me realize that I obviously am not sharing my thrifting finds the way that I used to - And I pledge to get better at that again. This blog needs some serious cleaning up- and I WILL get to it. Hopefully soon.

My recent thrifting trips have been looking for clothing for my upcoming SeneGence Seminar in Calgary, AB.

We are asked to wear "Seneblue" (Cobalt Blue) business attire to the sessions and we have 2 evenings where we need to dress up.

I do have a number of things to wear, but I did need some shoes. My absolute FAVOURITE booties that I thrifted years ago broke on me. I will definitely fix them (NOT disposable in my mind), but I wouldn't be able to get them fixed by Wednesday when I leave.

I found some really cute beaded black pumps, a pair of nude pumps, a clutch, some fip-flops (since mine broke in the Dominican in January) and a blazer that I am in love with!

And I got ALL of those items for under $40!

Here is my haul:

 I am REALLY in love with these beaded black pumps. 

Just a hint of the 80's but oh so glam.

Pumps: Talize $9.99

I am always on the hunt for a pair of nude pumps. So happy that I found a pair to bring with me to Calgary! And this clutch was too cute to leave behind!

Pumps: Talize $14.99

Clutch: Talize $3.99

I'm very picky when it comes to blazers. They're usually too tight in the arms or too loose in the waist area. I don't want to look boxy.

This blazer is perfect. AND it was $7.99. 

And yes, I needed some flip-flops for the hot tub (assuming there will be one- I should probably double-check on that! Haha.

Pretty sure these were brand new and were $1.99. 

I do realize, of course, that Old Navy sells some for dirt cheap, but I would much rather save a pair from the landfill than buy from them. Also, I strongly disagree in the manner that they run their company/ have their clothing made- so I won't buy from them (and many other companies).

So there you have it. My pretty sweet scores for under $40! I'm pretty pleased.

Thanks so much for reading! Enjoy your Monday!

Blessings.