Confessions of a Single Mom. "For Now"

There are few things that I look forward to as much as chatting with my therapist. She has known me for 10 years and has helped me navigate through some of my darkest times.

While talking with her last week she asked me, "What are you afraid of right now? Going through what you are going through?"

I replied that I was afraid that I will always be "better" on my own. Refering to the fact that I can survive and thrive when I have only myself to lean on. When what I hope for is a partner to come alongside me and lessen my load.

She asked me, "What if you ARE better on your own? For now?"

And I realized that I truly am. Maybe not forever. But for now.

Weeks ago I told my husband that this marriage wasn't working. We had tried marriage groups and counselling sessions. But these strategies don't work if you only go a couple of times. The marriage, the family, they need to be invested in.

I said that we could either go to counseling, but REALLY put some effort in, or we could go to a Mediator to split our belongings. I hate the term 'Ultimatum', but I suppose that is what it was. I stated that I wanted to invest in us, that creating a happy and healthier family was my ultimate goal. And I saw counseling as the best way to achieve that.

But you can't make someone else's decision for them. In the past year I have worked hard to control my anger and to really pay attention to all that I have to be grateful for in this beautiful life. And I worked on it for me, and for us.

If you lay it out on the line for someone that you need A, B or C, then you give them the choice of what they do with that information.

When you love someone, you give them the power to hurt you deeply. That is your choice to give them that power. Everything you share, every time you are vulnerable, every deepest darkest secret can one day be used against you. C.S. Lewis said that "If you love deeply you will hurt badly. But it's still worth it."

I could shame mysef for everything I did wrong in the last couple of years, or I can remind myself that I chose to be vulnerable and love someone. And I got hurt. And that was brave.

So, for now, I enjoy being "better" on my own. I rest in the knowledge that I can care for myself and my boys in the way that we need. That I can depend on myself to provide and that there is no need for a partner or another person in our lives. 

At least, for now.

Confessions of a Single Mom....Again.

Yesterday my husband of 2 years packed his belongings.

Monday would be our 2nd Wedding Anniversary.

What am I feeling? Well...

I feel so completely devastated for the 5 kids involved.

I feel relief because there is no more fighting or hostility in the home.

I grieve the marriage and family that I expected us to have together. 

I blame myself for not being able to bring that dream to reality.

I feel hope that MAYBE there is a sliver of hope for a future together...one day.

I feel ashamed that I even let myself hope.

Please friends, I will need grace in the coming days and weeks if I:

* am slow to repond to a text or a message. Somtimes it hits me so hard and I can't even function for a time.

* refer to him as my husband. Are you exes as soon as one moves out? Or is that saved for if a divorce is finalized? I am not sure.

* I continue to wear my wedding ring for longer than I should. I truly thought that I would NEVER take it off.

* I'm smiling with tears in my eyes. I am probably trying to remain strong while barely keeping it together.

The house is too quiet. I miss the chaos of 5 kids running around. The driveway seems so empty now. His truck was a comfort, somehow.

I have been madly in love with this man for 3 years. I crushed on him for years prior. And I am in love with him still.

I read this quote recently, and it resonates with me:

"Did you love him"

"Yes"

"How much?"

Does it matter?"

"Why does it not?"

"Because it wasn't enough to make him stay."

~A.B (via sleevesofgrass)

So for now I sit hurting, loving, blaming, grieving, hoping, shaming... feeling a new feeling with each new moment.

So please be gracious. Today, it is very difficult to be strong.

Blessings.