100 Days Sober

*Trigger Warning. Sexual Assault Content *

Today I'm 100 days sober.

Getting sober has definitely caused me to dig deep, within myself, and analyze WHY I felt the need to numb the life all around me.

It's given me a new-found sense of self. It's helped me put up new boundaries in my life. It's taught me to have grace and to forgive myself for things I've done, whether intoxicated at the time, or not.

But it's also brought up feelings of shame and guilt that I held deep down inside for a very long time. Most of that shame was around various incidences of sexual assault.

Many as a teenager, and at the time, looked at as "not a big deal". But they WERE a big deal.

Some as an adult. As a single woman that drank, I was in situations that I should not have been in, or most likely would never have been in - if I had been sober.

I want to preface this by stating clearly - if a woman is drinking, that does NOT MEAN that sexual assault did not happen, or that it should be excused. Period.

Statistically, 25% of women (I truly believe that number is much higher since most go unreported), and half of those involve alcohol. Why do most go unreported? Because, as women, we've learned early on that if alcohol was involved - we're to blame. NOT the one that committed the assault. In my own life, I've told loved ones of incidents and the first question asked of me was, "Well, was he DRINKING?".

Let me be clear.

Drinking is NOT a crime. Sexual assault is.

Drinking does NOT CAUSE sexual assault. Those that commit the assault do.

Drinking is NOT an excuse. In many cases, it is a deliberate tool used by offenders.

I sat in a hospital for hours one day. Unable to remember anything from the night before other than having two glasses of wine (which, let's be honest - was basically my breakfast every day, at that point), blacking out completely and waking up in vomit. Although I had done everything to be safe - told friends /family his name, address, where he worked... I was still drugged and have no recollection of the night.

Even with all of that knowledge, nothing ever came back conclusive enough for charges.

And THAT is why so many incidents go unreported.

I do believe that is part of why I just tell myself to be "strong", and "move on", completely ignoring the feelings of violation and shame. And I'm sure that many other women simply do the same.

After 100 days of being sober, I can finally say "me too". And it's not ok. AND I can have the grace to erase any feelings of shame around those incidences.

And I can vow to raise boys that know that no means no, informed consent is of upmost importance, and if she's unconscious - well, only predators see that as an advantage.

Support for Truckers in a World Gone Sideways (The Only Direction Deemed Safe by our Government)

 

Yesterday the trucker convoy began in Canada,

Early Sunday morning in Newfoundland.

In case you are living under a rock, here in Canada, the truckers that have been delivering our goods to us through the entire pandemic (the last TWO YEARS) have been told that they can no longer cross the border into the States.

And the truckers from the States, that bring us our food, fuel, etc. have been told they can no longer come into Canada.

After TWO YEARS, the government has now decided that it is unsafe. For individuals that generally spend up to nine hours a day alone. Safe to go East to West, but not North to South. 

Sideways= safe. Up and Down= unsafe.

This is not being covered by the media. Weighing stations have been told to stop the trucks and to slow them down on their cross-country trip to Ottawa on Saturday.

I am so grateful to see all of the support for these heroes (which is how I see them), as they refuse to give in to medical coercion. I am given hope as I watch them band together, in a peaceful, meaningful protest.

I am happy to see the support, but at the same time, I am saddened that it took this long.

This latest wave of Covid has killed the highest number yet in the over 70-year-old age range. This age group is over 80% fully vaxxed and boosted. It isn't working. Lockdowns aren't working. Mandates aren't working.

Why the sudden support all over Facebook and social media for the truckers? I believe because NOW it affects everyone. The people that have been too afraid to get together with their closest loved ones now fear the empty shelves in the grocery stores.

What about all of the Small Business Owners over the last two years that opened their kitchen cupboards to empty shelves because of the mandated lockdowns? Why didn't people care then?

I'm sad to say that it seems that Covid has truly brought out the worst in people. Friendships have ended. Families have been torn apart. Business owners have gone bankrupt and, for WHAT?? 

Because people were promised travel, dining in restaurants, movies and popcorn?

Why does it take empty store shelves for people to finally start to realize that this has all been for nothing?

Every single small business owner I know personally is struggling. Individuals that hesitated to get vaccinated were called "Selfish" and "Privileged".

Was I 'privileged' to watch my closest friends 'unselfishly' gather together over the last two years while I was 'selfishly' excluded?

Was I 'privileged' to be reamed out by clients and customers when I forgot to mention that I hadn't gotten jabbed? (Side note- that was in no way any of their right to demand my medical information). I DID inform my regular clients because I love and respect them- NOT because I was in any way obliged to. If you are too afraid to get your hair cut, then that would be up to you to ask- and up to the stylist whether or not they wish to tell you. And if you want to know whether someone is vaxxed? Just take a look at their social media. If they are- you WILL know.

I saw a "friend" post recently (when schools here in Ontario were locked down again) that the schools should be open if people could get "haircuts" and "manicures". Again, this person was upset only because they were being inconvenienced (after being completely FOR such businesses being unable to survive for the past two years). This person could not see that the individuals providing the services, that she so flippantly dismissed, had been locked down for the longest amount of time in North America up until this point.

Support the truckers. Not because it NOW affects you, but because they are the only profession so far to band together and take a stand for freedom.

And support the small businesses. The amount of people that have messaged me and told me that they no longer support me because I stand against  mandates, is troubling.

I suppose they would rather support a big box store that has been 'allowed' to stay open, rather than a single mom trying to provide for her kids WHILE also trying to protect their future freedoms.

I hope, when this is all over, that relationships of all kinds can be mended.

Personally, I truly have no idea how to heal to the relationships in my own life that seemed so easy to cast away, because the government mandated it so.

Support the truckers. because we desperately need them.

Support the Small Business Owners, because goodness knows, we desperately need them too.

Thrifting~ Back at It

 

2022 has become a year of rediscovering myself.

A year of renewal.

A year of rebranding, if you will.

Last month I gave up drinking alcohol. This has been both the hardest, as well as the easiest thing in my life to do. It has forced me to sit and think . To really evaluate what I find joy in, So that I no longer feel the need to escape my life.

And I remember my love of thrifting.

I remember the reason I started this blog ten years ago. I wanted to show that you can dress well, on a budget. As a single mom, this cost is important- but so is the positive impacts on out earth.

Here is an outfit that I thrifted from head to toe:

And another:

Thanks for reading, friends!

I will be posting more as a rediscover my own style and clothing pieces that I am drawn to.

Alcohol Is As Carcinogenic As Smoking. Why Aren't We Told?

 

Did you know that Alcohol use is one of the TOP THREE causes of preventable cancers? 

Neither did I.

Why did it take being 43 and sober for over five weeks to learn this? Simple answer- our government is keeping that vital information from it's citizens.

I believe this falls under the term '[Un]Informed Consent'. If we are being marketed to/ sold a product that is PROVEN to be carcinogenic, should this product NOT include warning labels stating this? We know that tobacco and asbestos cause cancer- well guess what?? Alcohol is right up there with them (Top 3) as a 'LEVEL ONE Carcinogen'.

CBC News: The National recently posted on "Alcohol Can Cause Cancer, So Why Don't Most Canadians Know That?"

Why do we have warning labels on cigarettes, food, indoor parking and FISHING RODS- but not on a leading cause of Cancer?

We are told that alcohol is "good for you in moderation". This brochure posted by the Canada's Centre on Substance Abuse and Addictions literally tells us that "Low risk drinking supports a healthy lifestyle".

But what is 'low risk drinking"?? Apparently, even one drink increases your risk of Cancer, and every drink after that increases it more. In 2020 alone, there were 7000 NEW CASES of Cancer in Canada that were linked to alcohol.

If I had known that drinking alcohol caused cancer, would I have quit sooner? Drank much less? Never abused it myself? That's impossible to know, I suppose.

What I DO KNOW, is that I sure as hell would never have encouraged my mom friends to "have another" or to "be sure to pour yourself an extra large glass of wine" at the end of a long day with the kids.

When you have to ask WHY alcohol bottles have no warning labels- it's clear that it comes down to money. Alcohol brings in $1.5 Trillion per year and these groups lobby our government to keep their dirty little secret.

In 2017 Warning Labels were added to Alcohol in the Yukon. It was a pilot project and has been cited for research around the world. Alcohol sales dropped 7% in the short time that the labels were used and people were furious to learn that their drink of choice was slowly killing them.

The fact is that alcohol is addictive. The more you drink, the more your tolerance goes up. Right now, you likely drink more than you did 10 or 20 years ago. Few people drink less than they did. Would you drink at all if you knew that every glass increases your chance or Breast Cancer, or Colorectal Cancer?

Beer Canada/ Spirits Canada/ Wine Growers Canada ALL have the same response when asked about the risk of Cancer- the put the blame solely on the consumer and simply recommend to "drink responsibly".

Responsibly. 

How can we decide what's responsible when we haven't been informed of the true risk?

I drank for 28 years. I have been inside an LCBO/ liquor store HUNDREDS, if not thousands of times. HOW was this fact hidden? No signs. Leaflets. Labels. No buttons on the employee's shirts warning that drinking is JUST as harmful to your body as smoking.

Obviously, I am not telling anyone to give up alcohol or to get sober. This has worked for me- and the more I learn- the more I know I'll never taste it again.

I am just wanting to help INFORM people of the risks. You are, of course, free to make your own decision from there.

The Canadian government has failed it's citizens. It has a moral obligation to protect US (the people) NOT the companies making trillions on producing and selling poison.

They simply need to do better. Again, 7000 Cancer cases in 2020 were linked to alcohol use.

How many in 2021?

And how many will there be in this coming year?

Thank you for reading, please share with others.

After Four Weeks of Not Drinking, I Can Finally Breathe

 

Four weeks ago I felt like I was literally drowning.

And looking back, I actually was.

There is a reason that people use the term "drowning our sorrows". And I was doing just that. I was drowning my sorrows, my anxiety, my overwhelm, and myself.

I told myself that I had reasons to have that drink. Of COURSE I had reasons to have that drink.

I was a single Mom of three busy boys. I ran my own business, and well...Covid. I had financial worries and motherhood worries and lunches to make and laundry to wash and clients to service. All of these burdens deserved a drink to get me through AND THEN after, as a reward for me getting through them.

What becomes clearer to me everyday is that every single glass that I drank pulled me deeper and deeper down into that poisonous liquid, drowning me- instead of saving me.

I drank because my kids were 'too much'. Now that I am not drowning myself I simply see a teenager navigating adolescence. I see my 10 year old empath, that takes on everyone's energy (good or bad) from the day and needs to share that with me in order to make sense of it. I see my 7 year old trying to make sense of this mask-wearing, fear-driven world we are living in.

And now that I can breathe, I am no longer overwhelmed. I can comfort, soothe, listen and love. And I now realize that this time is fleeting.

I drank because I was overwhelmed with work. Which caused me to become more overwhelmed with work because I drank. I felt that I had it under control. I never got hangovers, but that was because I was constantly topping up the cup that I was continually drowning in. It never got empty.

Drowning had me constantly in a state of panic. Fearing what my life would look like if I could ever stop pouring the liquid that was actually killing me. I felt safe in the blurry. In the numb. In the oxygen-deprived life that I had created. 

But now- I can breathe.

And now that I can see clearly and compare both ways of living- I choose breath.

I have come up for air. I have breathed freely for four weeks. 

And I know that I will never drown myself again.

Blessings.

Why I Do Not Use the Label 'Alcoholic'

 

I absolutely HATE the thought of being labelled an Alcoholic.

This word makes me feel weak and powerless.

It makes me feel like I am depriving myself of something that the majority of the world can consume with no consequence, so there must be something lacking in myself that I cannot do the same.

The truth is, I am now a non-drinker. I made the choice to no longer partake in an addictive substance that increased my anxiety/ depression and had a powerful grip over my life.

I made this decision before reading a couple of books that have completely solidified my choice. Those books were 'The Easy Way To Control Alcohol' by Allen Carr and 'Quit Like A Woman' by Holly Whitaker. I HIGHLY recommend both of these books if you are at all curious about your own relationship with alcohol.

One of the things that really struck me about both of these books is their deconstruction of the label "Alcoholic". I could never quite put my finger on why the term always seemed the wrong fit for me as I struggled with my own alcohol-abuse. I have been told by several people, since I became sober, that I should join AA. As though that is the only way to succeed with this decision. I am in no way trying to say that this program doesn't work- I know many people that it worked (and does work) amazingly well for. It just didn't align with me. 

I believe that is because when you introduce yourself, you do so as "Hi, I'm Melissa (or, insert name), and I'm an Alcoholic". I could never bring myself to do so. Why is this? I could joke and call myself  'a functioning alcoholic' for years. I could introduce myself at a meeting and say that I definitely abused alcohol with no problem.

I remember learning in health class that Alcoholics were born. This is also, from what I understand, what AA teaches. That certain people are genetically predisposed to being unable to control their alcohol use. This made me feel extremely safe in regards to my own alcohol consumption from the very beginning. My parents never drank. There was no alcohol ever in my home growing up. So, there could be NO WAY that I could ever have a problem with it, right? Obviously, wrong. As Allen Carr states in his book, if this is true- could we not come up with a test for us to take as children to know which of us should avoid it? Of course, this is not possible, which shows that this is unlikely a genetic issue.

I also believe that the term 'Alcoholic' gave me permission to continue to abuse alcohol. When I heard the stories of the people that identified with this label during an AA meeting recount their stories, I felt vindicated. I didn't drink until 4 or 5 in the morning, sleep for a couple of hours and go to work still drunk. I didn't crash my car. I didn't have my kids taken away. I was fine.

But I wasn't fine. And I can't say that those things would not have happened if I had continued on with my relationship with alcohol.

For me, and maybe this is because I have now been engaged three times and divorced twice, it helps me to look at alcohol as a toxic relationship that took me years to finally be free of. We would break up, then make up, over and over and over again. I knew that this relationship was bad for me and destructive for my life and my family, but it just made me feel SO GOOD! I now know this is a lie, in the same way that I can look back on my past relationships and see the ways in which they were harmful for me.

Well, I am happy to say that I have broken up with alcohol. But I don't know if I was an alcoholic any more than I can say I was addicted to my husband(s) or fiance. 

Holly Whitaker says in her book, 

"We are conditioned to ask ONE question, whether  we MIGHT be an 'Alcoholic',...and ONLY if we qualify, are we suppose to do anything about it."

and

"Alcohol is addictive to everyone. Yet we have created a separate disease called 'Alcoholism' and forced this on the minority of the population who are willing to admit they can't control their drinking."

These and many other reasons are why I do not refer to myself as an Alcoholic. You may, but I do not.

I am Melissa, and today I celebrate three weeks of not drinking. I am a Mama of three amazing boys. I am also a Hairstylist, Aesthetician, Entrepreneur and Friend- among many other things. 

But I am not able to be encompassed in one word. One label. One disease.

Thanks for following with me on my journey.

Blessings.

Fourteen Days Dry. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

 Fourteen days. I had heard many different opinions on how alcohol withdrawal would go. And I had my expectations of how it would go for me. For some time, I put off quitting because I feared the withdrawal symptoms- and used that as an excuse. So I thought that I would share my experiences here, for those wondering.

Detoxing from any drug that your body has become dependent on will obviously cause some effects. And just as obviously, HOW dependent you have become on that drug will effect the severity of your symptoms. I myself, had become almost completely dependent on it. I could not get through the day without it. Truthfully, it had gotten to the point where I needed a drink every morning just to function.

THE GOOD

I truly believe that I was SO ELATED that I was finally escaping the alcohol trap that for the first entire week, I felt very little adverse effects of quitting. Or, at least, they didn't bother me as much as I had expected them to.

I felt completely free from the desire to reach for a drink during those first 72 hours. I had read many times that this is the amount of time it generally takes to rid your system of alcohol.

Many people complain about anxiety during the initial withdrawal period. I have to say that mine dramatically improved. But I truly believe that alcohol intensified my anxiety/ depression exponentially. Feeling out of control of my life and my actions caused me to feel overwhelmed and anxious, which had me reaching for the bottle even more often to cope with those feelings.

My skin immediately improved. I had been dealing with an almost constant rash across my forehead and chest, that I was pretty convinced was alcohol-related. But, did that stop my drinking previously? Of course not.

I felt less bloated. My head was clear, with the occasional brain fog- but compared to the constant fog/ memory lapses I was used to - I still felt really great.

I would say the BEST side effect to quitting was that I felt PRESENT with my boys. Most nights previously, I was numb. Trying to escape. Sometimes I would pass out while tucking one, or two of my boys into bed. Now, I am actually enjoying reading, playing games with and really conversing with these amazing little humans.

THE BAD

Of course, I experienced the usual headaches (in fact, migraine-type pain) for about 11 days after quitting. This was not that different from my life during alcohol-abuse, though. The only difference is that before quitting, I would always "medicate" with more alcohol to dull the pain. Interestingly, day 11 was the worst. I was in bed most of the afternoon, popping Tylenol. Thankfully, my headaches seem to have subsided since then.

My hands trembled for a few days after quitting. The good news is, my clients understood and were extremely encouraging. Hair services took a bit longer to do, but I definitely found it manageable.

Sleep was illusive for those first few nights. But, truth be told, I haven't slept well in over a decade. I remember a naturopath explaining to me years ago that waking at 3am every morning (my nightly sleep pattern) was connected to liver problems. I knew that made sense, but it still wasn't enough to make me want to quit.

Sweating. OH. MY. GOSH. The sweating. If I DID get some sleep, I woke up in a pool of sweat. All throughout the day I was sweating from normal exertion. I knew that this was my body's way of detoxing from the poison that I had poured down my throat for so long, but it was definitely uncomfortable.

I also dealt with my heart racing for about a week. I didn't notice it as much when I was awake, but that was one of the things that contributed to my insomnia. As I lay in the dark, exhausted, my heart raced so fast that I wondered if it would every slow down. It has.

And weirdly, yesterday (Day 13) was one of excruciating back pain and lower right abdominal pain. Kidneys detoxing, perhaps? Unsure, but today I woke up feeling great.

THE UGLY

The "UGLY" has been the cravings. It hasn't been that I want alcohol, per se, but quitting the habit of pouring a drink in order to 'cope' has been has been difficult. Even though I know now that the ability to cope was the last thing pouring a drink would help me with, it was my go-to for SO long. I have quieted those cravings with Lyre's Non-alcoholic Spirits, and Acid-League Proxies. The sipping of something with a bit of a 'burn' has helped me significantly.

The "UGLY" has also been the conversations that I now have with myself.

The doubts that I can actually do this. The thoughts that I am probably not really this strong. Imposter syndrome, coming out with a vengeance.

Or, similar to the reprimanding that I did with myself after my last husband ruined me financially... "How could I have been so STUPID?" How did I allow myself to get so far gone? Thank God nothing worse had ever happened to myself or to my precious boys while I destroyed myself- because I had become a terrible mother.

Or, how could I have wasted so much MONEY on this poison? As someone that considers myself very frugal with money- this hits home, and I continue to assault myself with these thoughts.

Although the physical symptoms have dwindled or disappeared, these conversations with myself remain. This will take time through forgiving myself, personal development and reflection.

Fourteen days has felt like a lifetime. Today I am grateful for audio books, good friends and my boys that make me want to get well.

Today I will try to have positive conversations with myself.

Today I will be brave and face the day with a clear head and embrace life without the need to numb the uncomfortable.

Today I will strive to live a life that I will not feel the need to escape from.

Blessings, friends.